He Texted by Lisa Winning & Carrie Henderson McDermott

Author:Lisa Winning & Carrie Henderson McDermott
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gallery Books

(We have one word for the man of few words: Douchebag. )

jared

Hold on, bros. I think guys are clueless about what a girl expects. I was dating a girl. It was her birthday and I texted, “Happy birthday.” She got mad at me because there was no exclamation point.

I never would have thought to put “!!!!!!” at the end of “Happy birthday.” It seemed enough to remember to send the greeting on the right day. But when I tell that story onstage, girls laugh right away. Guys just don’t think of the subtle (or not-so-subtle) implications of every letter and punctuation mark in a text. We know about the importance of tone, though.

Guys can’t live in this world where they don’t know their relationships hang in the balance over an exclamation point. We don’t really care about that stuff, but we have to. I don’t assume a short-worded texter is shy or busy. He might just be a clueless schmo who has no idea what the girl needs and expects from him. He also might be a rude jerk. Does he keep making dates or not? If he does, then don’t go nuclear over a missing “!!!”.

Personally, I am not going to throw around exclamation points and LOLs. It’s just not my style. But I can see how exclams make a difference. I just had this exchange yesterday:

Me: “Hey, you want to get together tonight?”

Her: “Yeah, sure”

Me: “You sound really excited”

Her: “Haha I totally am”

Very ambiguous. I have no idea if she even wants to see me. She might totally stand me up. Is the “yeah, sure” more of a “yeah, right”? Was the “I totally am” with an eye roll or for real? I’m definitely not asking for a wink or fifteen smiley faces. That’d be too cutesy, although I could stomach it from a girl I really like.

I cannot stand “LOL” from anyone, anytime, no matter how hot she is. It’s bullshit! I will never send “LOL” to anyone, even if I were really laughing out loud. “LOL” is an L-I-E. It’s like cheap filler, what you write when you have nothing to say. As I’ve made clear, if a girl has nothing to say, then SAY NOTHING. Some girls write “LOL” at the beginning and end of every text. I don’t want to see that. I know you are totally fucking lying. If people laughed as much as they wrote “LOL,” they would be clinically insane. I want genuine laughter. Overloading on “LOL” is a sign of dishonesty. What else will she exaggerate about? I don’t want to know. Far preferable: “haha I’m smiling.” A girl sent that to me once, and I smiled when I read it. It seemed sweet and genuine.

When you receive an “XO” from a girl, it’s nice.

When you get an “XX,” it’s cute.

When you get an “XXX,” it’s poison or porn.

If a girl signed off with, like, a thousand “XOs” in a row, I would think she was crazy. Would you kiss

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